It’s Christmas in Hueco Mundo (for the purposes of this list, I’ve decided that they celebrate Christmas in Hueco Mundo. For some reason. Boredom, maybe?). And this year, Gin got all of the Espada self-help books. Because he’s kind of a dick that way. Here are the books they each received:
1. Ulquiorra: How to Smile: An 8-week Intensive Course
The first week involves repeatedly stabbing a fork into your leg so that you grimace. To strengthen the mouth muscles. The last three weeks involve learning to smile not only with your mouth, but also with your eyes.
Ulquiorra still hasn’t made it past the first week. He doesn’t know how to grimace.
2. Nnoitra: No Means No: A Man’s Guide to Not Being a Dick to Women
Inside the front cover, Gin wrote, “This book is about sex (I can explain that later, if you need me to, Nnoitra), but it can apply to other things, too! Like maybe if she keeps saying she doesn’t want to fight you, she just doesn’t want to fight you. Just food for thought! <3 <3 Gin.”
3. Aaroniero: Just be Yourself! How to Live Life to the Fullest By Being True to Yourself
Underneath the title, Gin added, “Even if ‘yourself’ is two creepy heads floating in goo. Merry Christmas!”
4. Barrigan: Take Control: How To Stop Blaming Others For Your Problems and Take Back Control of Your Own Life
Aizen: Uh, Gin?
Gin: No worries, captain! I’m pretty sure Barrigan can’t take you.
5. Starrk: Recognizing Depression: What You Don’t Know Might Kill You
Chapter 1 warns that sleeping all the time is a major sign of depression. It recommends a healthy diet, exercise, and vitamin supplements. Starrk currently uses it as a footrest. While he naps.
6. Grimmjow: The More Times You Fight Ichigo, The More Likely You Are To Lose. Just Kill Him The First Time. Seriously.
It’s Byakuya’s new book. Admiral Seaweed is on the front. For no apparent reason. Grimmjow reads almost all the way through the title before tossing it away. “Like I’d lose to that stupid shinigami.”
7. Yammy: Anger Management: Not A Choice - A Lifestyle
Yammy: But I get stronger the angrier I am!
Gin: We know. But you also get way more irritating. It’s really not such a great trade-off, is what I’m saying.
8. Zommari: Control Freaks Don’t Prosper: How To Let Your Friends And Family Live Their Own Lives
Inside the cover, Gin added, “Basically, taking over people’s limbs is creepy! And you doing it at the table to make Grimmjow spill his tea is only funny the first…couple of times.”
9.Halibel: Less Clothes = More Power! A Woman’s Guide to Being Sexy
Halibel: …this is about my release form, isn’t it?
10. Szayel Aporro: You Shouldn’t Kill and Eat a Creature’s Mate Right in Front of It. Even If You Make a New Lumina, Verona Will Never Forgive You.
Szayel: This is weirdly specific. Is this even a real book?
Gin: Of course it is!
Szayel: I can see where you glued the new cover on! And the inside appears to be a phone book from the human world.
Gin: It’s symbolic.
Ichigo: Set up his account ages ago, back when all of his friends were doing it. Wrote one post (it says “Yo”). Then never logged on again, because there’s no wifi in Soul Society or Hueco Mundo, and he spends his nights hunting hollows.
Ishida: Unlike Ichigo, he figured out that he can just set his queue to update automatically when he’s away. Whenever he joins an Ichigo mission, he spends the day before they leave setting up three weeks’ worth of material.
Orihime: Likes to post pictures of new recipes she just tried and uploads her crazy drawings. Reblogs gifs of cute animals. She both liked and reblogged Ichigo’s one post. And is still following him.
Rukia: Her blog, “bunny-adventure-comics,” is a series of transparently autobiographical comics about her adventures with Ichigo. In which all of the characters are poorly drawn bunnies. She currently has over a thousand followers.
Byakuya: His blog, “admiral-seaweed-adventure-comics” is a series of comics about the fictional adventures of Admiral Seaweed. Who is a pirate, for some reason. He currently has 4 followers. One of which is himself.
Ikkaku: Used to have a tumblr, until the day the notes stopped working. At which point he went into bankai and destroyed his computer.
Yumichika: On his tumblr, “beautifulblog,” he only posts or reblogs things that are beautiful - 75% of which are pictures of his face.
Kenpachi: Can’t remember his username. Hasn’t logged in for months.
Yachiru: Is secretly running Kenpachi’s tumblr account. Changed his url to “everythingpink” and reblogs lots of candy pictures.
Hitsugaya: Is a faithful follower of Kenpachi’s account. And other blogs that post food-porn. He himself posts incredibly long rants about how Soul Society could be run better. He has two followers - Matsumoto, who followed him out of pity, and Yachiru, who followed him back and is always sending him messages.
Grimmjow: Spends all of his time trying to provoke Ichigo into a fight by sending him anon hate…which he always forgets to make anonymous. Doesn’t realize that Ichigo isn’t exactly active on tumblr.
Ulquiorra: Runs his blog exactly as Aizen commands, but as a secret second blog where he posts what he wants. Mostly his own poetry.
Chad: His dashboard is nothing but adorable animals. Everything else has been blocked by tumblr savior.
Soi Fon: Her blog is nothing but cat pictures. She has blocked “floppy hats,” “clogs,” and “annoying shopkeepers who don’t deserve such a perfect woman.”
Kon: Had a blog entirely devoted to boobs before Ichigo made him delete it.
Chizuru: Currently has a blog entirely devoted to boobs. As well as candid pictures of Orihime. Taken from a distance. Sometimes through a window.
Aaroniero: Never posts anything new or reblogs anything. He only reposts things and pretends they’re his own.
Kyoraku: Doesn’t want to be left out of the fun, but figures posting things is too much work. Mainly reblogs.
Nanao: Figures that a soul reaper blog - even a personal one - must not reflect badly on one’s squad. Her blog is a careful work of art.
Gin: Posts random facts about the arrancars and other people with hollow powers. Tried to follow Ulquiorra’s secret second blog, but was immediately blocked.
Aizen: Has an “ask-aizen” blog where people can send him questions. All of his answers are lies. Even so, Gin keeps asking anonymously if there’s a good way to kill him.
Urahara: Has an “ask-urahara” blog where people can ask him questions. Most of his answers are lies. Because lies seem funnier. Even so, Soi Fon keeps asking anonymously if there’s a good way to kill him.
Tosen: Has a blog entirely devoted to his menos grande pets. They are all named, and he updates his followers on their progress. Occasionally he rants about justice for no particular reason.
Nnoitra: Sets up a roleplaying blog about a super awesome arrancar who goes around fighting everyone. Keeps asking Nel to rp with him. She keeps refusing.
Hichigo: Had designs on taking over Ichigo’s blog, and then realized it was super lame. Now he mainly rps with Nnoitra and Tensa.
Ulquiorra: I wish someone would just TELL me where the heart is. It’s been bugging me for years. Biology was a long time ago.
Grimmjow: My release form is a panther, people. A PANTHER! Stop drawing me as an adorable kitten!
Ulquiorra: I rather like those kitten drawings.
Grimmjow: Don’t make me punch you where your heart would be if you had one, Ulquiorra!
Halibel: You know what I find funny? I’m the sacrifice espada, but all of my subordinates survived. EAT IT, AIZEN!
Grimmjow: Maybe you’re just a bad sacrifice esapda.
Halibel: So how’s that destroying Ichigo thing going, Grimmjow?
Barrigan: Ruling Hueco Mundo was boring, but working for Aizen is SO MUCH WORSE.
Halibel: I rather like ruling Hueco Mundo, myself.
Barrigan: I hate you.
Zommari: My release form made me very upset. I mean, I’m the fastest. And my release form doesn’t really allow me to move? That’s bullshit!
Barrigan: Is that why you died in like 5 seconds?
Zommari: Shut up!
Aaroniero: Sometimes I worry that the other Espada look down on me for being a gillian.
Zommari: We do. We talk about it behind your back all the time.
Aaroniero: I knew it!
Szayel Aporro: I thought the little voodoo dolls of the shinigami and the Quincy were super cute. I’m thinking of selling them.
Aaroniero: Aren’t you busy dying over a span of centuries or something?
Szayel Aporro: That gives me a lot of time to think, okay?!
Nnoitra: I’m not really sexist. I disliked Nelliel because her name began with an N too. ALL THE N’S ARE MINE!
Szayel Aporro: I think the hole in your head is messing with your brain function, dude.
Nnoitra: ALL THE N’S!!!
Starrk: Guns weren’t around back when I was alive. My release form confused me a lot.
Nnoitra: You know that in the real world guns aren’t alive, right?
Starrk: Sounds lonely.
You know the drill! Spoilers below the break! Peril, etc.